“I thought I'd forgiven him, but images of him with her kept coming into my head when we made love.”
When my friend asked me to meet up for coffee, I thought it would be a normal catch-up session. Instead, I sat there in shock as she told me her boyfriend of three years had cheated on her—this smart, gorgeous goddess of a person, although that doesn’t really stop people, right?—and that she was at a complete loss as to what to do. She was tempted to say yes to his begging that they repair the relationship, but she had some major qualms. How are you supposed to rebuild trust when someone has taken a wrecking ball to it? Why the hell did he cheat in the first place? And, uh, how was she supposed to resume having sex with him at any point in the future when this revelation was making her skin crawl?
When talking about the post-cheating fallout in a relationship, people often focus on the emotional side of things, which makes perfect sense. But if you decide to work on staying together after someone cheats, the physical part of the relationship can loom large. Here, five women explain exactly what it’s like to have sex with the person you love after they cheated on you. Hint: If you’re in this position and feel completely freaked, you are so not alone.
1.
“Before he cheated, we had sex multiple times a week, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and there was passion like you wouldn’t believe. I should have known he was cheating when he became distant and gave excuses for not wanting to have sex as much. After he cheated, sex was absolutely painful. We went on a three-month break, and when we got back together, I proposed that we rebuild the relationship and wait to have sex. But then I thought if he wasn’t getting sex from me, he’d get it from someone else. It never felt the way it did pre-cheating, almost like it wasn’t real. I lost that passion, and in the back of my mind, I wondered if he was still seeing other women.” —Hillary K., 28
“Before he cheated, we had sex multiple times a week, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and there was passion like you wouldn’t believe. I should have known he was cheating when he became distant and gave excuses for not wanting to have sex as much. After he cheated, sex was absolutely painful. We went on a three-month break, and when we got back together, I proposed that we rebuild the relationship and wait to have sex. But then I thought if he wasn’t getting sex from me, he’d get it from someone else. It never felt the way it did pre-cheating, almost like it wasn’t real. I lost that passion, and in the back of my mind, I wondered if he was still seeing other women.” —Hillary K., 28
2.
“After my husband slept with someone else, I thought I’d forgiven him, but images of him with her kept coming into my head when we made love. I kept wondering what they’d done together, imagined him inside her. I actually started thinking of his penis as contaminated. I didn’t want to do all the sexual things I felt comfortable doing with him before because they were no longer intimacies between just the two of us. I also didn’t believe him when he said nice things about me—in fact, I didn’t trust anything he said. That feeling never left me, and I never let him get as close to me emotionally again.” —Anne L., 53
“After my husband slept with someone else, I thought I’d forgiven him, but images of him with her kept coming into my head when we made love. I kept wondering what they’d done together, imagined him inside her. I actually started thinking of his penis as contaminated. I didn’t want to do all the sexual things I felt comfortable doing with him before because they were no longer intimacies between just the two of us. I also didn’t believe him when he said nice things about me—in fact, I didn’t trust anything he said. That feeling never left me, and I never let him get as close to me emotionally again.” —Anne L., 53
3.
“Our sex life used to be great; we were always trying new things. Then I found out that he cheated. At the time, I didn’t feel like it was worth losing my husband and breaking up our family, so I told myself everyone makes mistakes. The first time having sex after the cheating was so emotional. I felt uncomfortable, unattractive, and it did nothing for me physically. Over time, I went in the opposite direction. I strived to be over the top, to be sexier than I had been, and even tried things I was against in the past. Eventually, I discovered the problem was bigger than me—it was about his urges to cheat, and no matter how sexy I acted, I couldn’t change that.” —LaTossa N., 39
“Our sex life used to be great; we were always trying new things. Then I found out that he cheated. At the time, I didn’t feel like it was worth losing my husband and breaking up our family, so I told myself everyone makes mistakes. The first time having sex after the cheating was so emotional. I felt uncomfortable, unattractive, and it did nothing for me physically. Over time, I went in the opposite direction. I strived to be over the top, to be sexier than I had been, and even tried things I was against in the past. Eventually, I discovered the problem was bigger than me—it was about his urges to cheat, and no matter how sexy I acted, I couldn’t change that.” —LaTossa N., 39
4.
“I was completely blindsided when I caught my husband of 25 years at the time texting another woman. Then the truth about his cheating came out. At first in the aftermath, I could not even have sex with him. We made out a few times and stopped at kissing. When I did allow my heart to be that vulnerable again, I found that I could no longer reach orgasm. It was brutal to be so close to a climax and then see the other woman’s face in my head, or to imagine his naked body with her.It was several months before I was able to orgasm again. Now, five years later, I am thrilled to say that we’re enjoying sex one to two times per week in a capacity that is meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.” —Stacey G., 52
“I was completely blindsided when I caught my husband of 25 years at the time texting another woman. Then the truth about his cheating came out. At first in the aftermath, I could not even have sex with him. We made out a few times and stopped at kissing. When I did allow my heart to be that vulnerable again, I found that I could no longer reach orgasm. It was brutal to be so close to a climax and then see the other woman’s face in my head, or to imagine his naked body with her.It was several months before I was able to orgasm again. Now, five years later, I am thrilled to say that we’re enjoying sex one to two times per week in a capacity that is meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.” —Stacey G., 52
5.
“One morning, a woman slid into my Instagram DMs and told me she and my ‘boyfriend’—I use that term loosely—had been sleeping together and dating each other for a couple months. I didn’t sleep with him for over a month after I found out, and the first time I did, I began to cry shortly after we began. I was thinking about him with the other woman and the qualities she had that I didn’t. We broke up about a week after that incident. The crying made me realize this guy hurt me to my core. I’d wondered throughout our year-long courtship whether or not he really cared for me. At the moment I started crying, I said to myself, ‘Nope he doesn’t.’” —Talisha H., 28
“One morning, a woman slid into my Instagram DMs and told me she and my ‘boyfriend’—I use that term loosely—had been sleeping together and dating each other for a couple months. I didn’t sleep with him for over a month after I found out, and the first time I did, I began to cry shortly after we began. I was thinking about him with the other woman and the qualities she had that I didn’t. We broke up about a week after that incident. The crying made me realize this guy hurt me to my core. I’d wondered throughout our year-long courtship whether or not he really cared for me. At the moment I started crying, I said to myself, ‘Nope he doesn’t.’” —Talisha H., 28
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