You have a voice for a reason.
No matter how incredible your sex life currently is, at one point during a past sexual experience, your inner monologue has probably sounded like this: Ugh. What even is going on? Are they seriously mistaking my inner-thigh crease for my clitoris right now? I swear, the state of sex ed in America…OK, focus. Should I say something? Because I have a snowball’s chance in hell of orgasming and might actually fall asleep if this continues. But they seem so into it. *Distressed emoji* What if it I kill the mood? What if it offends them? Maybe I’ll just move around a little so they’re hitting a better spot...
It’s fine, pretty much everyone has had sex that wasn’t anywhere near orgasmic territory. If you haven’t, you should play the lottery, because you’re obviously an extremely lucky person. The solution to these moments is clear: Speak up in bed. But it’s also easier said than done. There are various reasons why saying what you want during sex can be tough. Maybe your partner’s ego is about as fragile as the glass of wine you wish you had to make it through this experience. Maybe what you really want to do is incorporate a vibrator, and you think that’ll kill your partner’s physical or mental boner. Or perhaps you’re just wishing life could be like the movies, since characters often seem to ravage each other perfectly without having to make a single course correction. But in real life, sometimes the sex just isn’t working for you, and the only real solution is to say something about it (because no, faking an orgasm isn’t really a solution except in extremely rare cases). Talking about sex while having it doesn’t have to ruin the mood, especially not if you follow these four tips:
1.
Use the classic sexual Jedi mind trick. Yes, saying something like, “Holy sh*t, how could you possibly think anyone on the planet likes that move?” or, “If anyone ‘orgasmed’ after you did that to them, they were faking it,” will probably upset your partner. On the other hand, a phrase like “I love it when you go more slowly” makes it seem like it’s something they’ve already done, which is pretty genius.
2.
Give them a compliment sandwich. As in, say something that makes them feel like a sexual savant, air your complaint/request, then finish it off with another compliment. Example: “God, every time you go down on me I want to quit my job so we can just do this forever. To make it even better, can you lick a little harder? When you do that, your tongue actually feels like heaven, like I hear angels singing and everything.” A little OTT, but you get the gist.
3.
Show, don’t tell. You can steer them in the right direction without even using your voice. Just take their hand and show them what you like, or put your hands on their hips to prompt a faster/deeper/whatever you like movement, or even get into a sex position that puts you in control, like woman on top. Then you can do whatever you like and explain how good it feels, which will certainly get the message across.
4.
Remember that you deserve to have the best time possible in bed. This is really at the heart of it. Giving yourself permission to go after what you want during sex validates the fact that you should be having good sex in the first place. Once you truly believe that, the rest basically turns into a cakewalk.
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